top of page

Secure relating and how it can help in relationship conflicts

In any relationship, conflicts and arguments are inevitable. No matter how much you try to avoid them, disagreements and misunderstandings will arise. However, it's not the arguments themselves that determine the strength and health of a relationship, but rather how you handle them. That's where the concept of secure relating comes in.

Secure relating is an approach to communication and conflict resolution that focuses on creating a safe and respectful environment for both parties to express their thoughts and feelings. It involves using empathy, active listening, and effective communication skills to reach a resolution that works for both partners. Here are a few ways that secure relating can help during an argument:

  1. It encourages active listening: One of the key aspects of secure relating is active listening. This means listening to your partner's perspective with an open mind, without interrupting or getting defensive. his means paying attention to what the other person is saying and really trying to understand their point of view. Resist the urge to interrupt or dismiss their ideas, and focus on listening with an open mind. When you actively listen to your partner, you're showing them that you value their opinion and that you're willing to work together to find a solution.

  2. It promotes empathy: Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another person. During an argument, it's easy to get caught up in your own emotions and lose sight of your partner's perspective. Secure relating encourages both partners to take a step back and try to understand each other's feelings and experiences. This can help to build trust and create a deeper connection between partners. You can try this by asking questions. Asking questions is a great way to gain a deeper understanding of someone else's perspective. Ask the other person to explain their reasoning, and try to get a sense of what values and beliefs are driving their opinion. This can help you to see things from a different angle and find common ground.

  3. It helps to de-escalate the situation: When emotions are running high during an argument, it can be difficult to communicate effectively. Secure relating involves taking a pause to calm down and refocus on the issue at hand. This can help to de-escalate the situation and prevent it from spiraling out of control. Next time you are feeling angry, try to take a deep breath. Your body goes into fight or flight mode. Taking a few deep breaths can help to calm your nervous system and reduce your anger response. This can make it easier to engage in empathy and active listening.

  4. It facilitates problem-solving: Secure relating is focused on finding a solution that works for both partners. This means that both parties are actively engaged in problem-solving, rather than trying to win the argument or prove the other person wrong. By working together, partners can find a resolution that takes both of their needs and preferences into account. Try using "I" statements. When expressing your feelings, try to use "I" statements instead of "you" statements. For example, instead of saying "You never listen to me," try saying "I feel like I'm not being heard." This can help to avoid blaming and make it easier for your partner to understand your perspective.

  5. It strengthens the relationship: When partners are able to communicate effectively and resolve conflicts in a respectful way, it can help to strengthen the relationship. Secure relating encourages partners to be vulnerable, honest, and authentic with each other. This can lead to a deeper sense of intimacy and connection.

Secure relating is a powerful tool that can help couples navigate arguments and conflicts in a healthy way. By focusing on active listening, empathy, de-escalation, problem-solving, and strengthening the relationship, partners can create a safe and respectful environment for communication and conflict resolution.


bottom of page